Decades

Some days the mind’s musings become deeper and birthday is one of those days …. Life has come full circle in so many ways that my heart is just so full of gratitude for everything … the complete and the broken parts. I had never imagined that 40 would look like this …When I was 20, I thought 40 was so old… I doubted whether 40 year olds could run or play or have fun. And am so thankful, for what today looks like. As I rewind the years…

The 10-20 transition was very big … from a kid to adulthood, from home to hostel, from family to friends, from having no say in anything to having a choice. I was so glad to be 20 and I was so enthusiastic about what the future held- it’s endless possibilities …

The 20-30 age was confusing for me … everyone raves about how much fun it is and you are young and carefree but sadly being the over thinker, I could not enjoy these years as much. Early on at 21, love found me. It was magical and beautiful and I wish for everyone to find it in life. But the ifs and buts and how everything will work out was very unsettling. We got our first jobs at 23… and while we ventured out into the world, the ground beneath was ever shifting. From jobs to further studies, to changing cities, to learning to cook and manage a house, to getting married, to new bosses at work… it was one chase after another. Baba(our guru) entered at 27 – My life got its anchor but little did I realise what it meant. Silently, he paved the potholes and the puzzle of life started to come together.

30-40 were years of immense growth – of learning to love and cope with loss. Giving birth just cracked open my heart in so many ways – Ishaan’s birth was all about surrender and realising the power of faith. Even in death, Bapa taught us so much about life – compassion, the impermanence of it all, to accept and let go. We moved countries, faced Covid and these years saw so many loved ones pass away. I had heard that life is part of a ‘Leela’, but the rough experiences just etched it on the soul – one that left us wounded at first. The one where even breathing feels difficult and then slowly, you kneel and scamper and start seeing light at the end of the tunnel. The strange part is all throughout, it felt like we had someone to hold on to … as if someone above, held a canopy in the rain – the kriya calmed the nerves, the mantra japa silenced the mind, the yoga and exercise sessions made one feel alive. This decade, it felt like, everything that was going away, was coming back in another form. Something ended, but something new happened. A fresh start was uncomfortable and painful, but beautiful.

So as I complete 40, I feel grateful and curious. Am grateful to God for his abundant blessings – in family, in friends, in love, in health, in faith. And now, after my fair share of roller coaster rides, I have understood that the road will be rocky but discipline, prayers and good intentions are all that matter.